


Don't Look

by serenityvoid



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, First Fic Bear With Me, Fluff, Growing Up Together, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-28
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-27 10:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10014668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenityvoid/pseuds/serenityvoid
Summary: Yoon Jeonghan's life is a sad and lonely mess. But with a genuine smile and one simple act of kindness, came Choi Seungcheol, a gentle reminder to the former that home isn't always a place but can be found in the arms of a person.





	1. Foreword

"Look at me, you worthless piece of shit."

I didn't look.

I could feel his anger rising in the cold air of what I refused to call home.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him staggering towards me with heavy footsteps before I felt a hand come in contact with my face, burning it's large imprint across my left cheek. It felt like hot coals were pressed against my cooled skin, burning the flesh and leaving scars both external and internal.

"I SAID TO FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!!," the drunk man shook me by my shoulders like a rag doll, I thought my bones were going to break by the force his fisted hands emitted into my frail being.  
He moved his hands to my face, cupping my cheeks roughly and forcing me to look at him. Tears stung at my eyes but I refused to let them fall; refused to let him see that he got to me. That was my one promise to myself.  
"You do what I say you hear me? If it wasn't for those damned child protection services or shit you'd be out on the streets ages ago," the amount of poison seeping from his tone made my hands tremble at my sides, "Start being grateful," he spat, the disgusting scent of cheap alcohol and salsa wreaking from his filthy mouth, before hurling me carelessly across the room against the wall.

I could hear my mother from the corner, cowering like always, her soft cries uncontrollable but fear of my father even more extreme. She didn't stop him, she never did, for fear of her own life of course, being the coward she always has been. But this was the first time he actually had the nerve to strike me and I swore I never wished for a different family, a different life, more until this day.

Eventually, I heard my parent's room door shut, my father's dominant growls loud and uncaring, my mother's weak unsure moans creating an orchestra of erotic sounds causing my stomach to churn with disgust. Unfazed by the norm, I swept my greasy hair from my swollen face which was growing ragged these days, settling perfectly on my shoulders now like a shadow.

Pulling myself up into a sitting position against the old paneled wooden walls, wincing from the pain in my lower side in the process, I thought the six words that never left my head throughout all my 9 years of life:

Why must I be Yoon Jeonghan?


	2. An Unexpected Visit

It was late afternoon of an ordinary Friday when a spark of change would ignite in Jeonghan's life; and begin to shake up the everyday bore and loneliness he felt with every sunrise to every sunset, all through the dark cold nights alike.

The small boy lay in his bed, a book resting against his thighs, skimming the worn pages, a routine he had gotten himself into in order to accomplish something productive rather than sulking around like any other child in his circumstances would do. It had been several weeks since the incident with his father, since then he had kept his distance, done what he was told without hesitation; he just didn't need anymore conflict in his life. Jeonghan let himself become distracted from the book, watching as the brilliant leaves of oranges and yellows flew delicately through the early autumn breeze, freedom guiding them nowhere. 

Presently he heard the doorbell ring. Probably just some Chinese take out his father ordered for himself again. It rung several more times. That's strange he's usually ecstatically quick in answering to anything that brings pleasure to whichever and whatever of his senses. "Who the hell are you?" he heard his father say casually with a twinge of anger lacing the short question. Nope not takeout. Curious, Jeonghan pulled his curtain aside and peered at the half view of the porch that could be observed from his room's window. A policeman in full uniform stood at their front door with a couple papers at hand. Jeonghan gasped as he watched his father reluctantly let him in, a sense of terror rising in those dark orbs of his as he shut the door behind the man.

With a clear voice, the policeman began explaining to Jeonghan's parents that "it seems a neighbour has filed a domestic violence claim on your household." Jeonghan held his breath, pressing a hand over his mouth as he stood silently in the doorway of his room, quietly eavesdropping and stealing short glances down the hallway as his father laughed heartily in mock disbelief. His mother of course denied it as well, shaking a bit but holding herself up strongly beside her husband. There was more hushed chatter that Jeonghan couldn't quite make out with the exception of his father's voice which was slightly rising with anger with each word that left his filthy mouth at the policeman's claims. "...Okay, you know what, fine. FINE...JEONGHAN!!" he called out loudly. Jeonghan froze at the spot, thinking he'd seen him spying. "THERE'S SOMEONE HERE TO TALK TO YOU," he added when he received no response. Subtle relief washed over the boy's body ("not really though because what the heck is this guy going to ask me?," he thought). Jeonghan slowly pushed his door open enough for him to slip through and walked with heavy footsteps towards the people whose eye's all seemed to sear holes into him. Jeonghan caught his father's eyes and he swore he could see death inhabited in them, he could mentally hear him growling "You fuck this up and you'll be sorry." 

The cop broke the silence and Jeonghan's trance, "Hello, how are you, son?" he greeted the boy in a friendly tone, one of which he was not accustomed towards while holding his outstretched hand towards him. Caught off guard, Jeonghan shook his hand uncertainly, trying to control his heavy fast paced breathes "I'm...good, sir," he lied through his teeth, giving the towering man a half ass grin. "Why aren't you in school?," he questioned again. Why wasn't I in school? Because my father couldn't give a living fuck about me let alone my education. But Jeonghan couldn't say that, his mouth was subconsciously glued shut. The helpless boy simply looked at his parents for an answer, a pitiful expression taking over his face. "He's actually starting next week. What a coincidence," his father quickly made up out of the blue with certainty, "We debated whether or not to finally send him this year because of his sickly state, always down with something, ya know?" If there was anything Jeonghan's father was a pro at, it was lying. He could make the most unbelievable sounding statements somehow believable just by the way he presented them. "So yeah, Daehyun Elementary School, he'll be attending as a third grader this Monday," his father added finally with a small pat on Jeonghan's head like he was some sort of stray dog. The policeman nodded, "Yes, very good. I'm very sorry for the misunderstanding and intrusion but duty calls for measures such as these," and with a bow he was gone.

The three persons stood there in silence, staring after the door as an engine roared and a sleek black car drove out of their driveway. Jeonghan's father finally broke the deathening omnious with a turn to his wife who flinched at the sudden noise, "Call up the school then. Register him. Go buy the bare minimum of school supplies and anything of necessity for his lunches" His hands were clasped in quivering fists as these words left his mouth but tossed his truck keys to Jeonghan's mother and retired to his room without another word. It didn't strike Jeonghan as surprising though because he could tell that the man wasn't under the influence of any substance at the moment, thankfully for now.

                                      ***

Jeonghan was very nervous about this new change. Never in his life had he interacted with anyone his age, besides his cousin Jisoo whom he hadn't seen in years now. He doesn't know where he was now honestly, 4 years can change so much; take someone someplace else what with a simple job transfer or a desire for a breathe of new scenery. If he'd met him again now, Jisoo probably wouldn't even recognize him anymore anyways, what with his shoulder length hair and undeniably dark under eyes and pale skin that hasn't been graced with the sun's warm rays in eons.

Jeonghan shuddered as fear and anxiety rushed through his bones, trying to settle comfortably into the rock hard seats of his father's old model pick up truck.

They drove in silence, his mother's eyes fixed sternly on the road in front of her, squinting slightly through the rainwashed windshield. Jeonghan's gaze wondered and stopped dead on the dark purple's bruises littering across her exposed skin, from her parchment white neck to her collarbones which stuck out drastically in an unhealthy fashion. She must've caught his stare out of the corner of her eye and hastily adjusted her wool coat hiding the marks from view. Jeonghan quickly downcasted his eyes, locking them onto his twiddling thumbs in his lap instead until their car parked snugly in the shopping center parking lot. Right away Jeonghan tried opening his door, tired from the awkward atmosphere of the past 30 minutes but just to add to his bad luck found it still locked. He turned to his mother in question who sat pitifully in her seat, hands still gripping the wheel tightly, tears streaming down her crushed face.

"Jeonghan-"

"No-"

"I love you. I'm so so sorry-"

"NO..P-please don't," he interrupted, his voice already beginning to shake violently. "If you really loved me, we wouldn't be living the way we do. You wouldn't put up with him and give into his every desire, you wouldn't let him treat me the way he does..YOU WOULD'VE TURNED HIM INTO THAT POLICEMAN," the boy's voice cracked, the remainder of vile words on the tip of his tongue disappearing under ugly sobs. He hated himself for speaking so straightforward and thoughtless towards her but anger always has a way of spilling out all our honest emotions.

"Then what, Jeonghan?," his mother remained calm despite her son's outburst, hot tears still trailing her cheeks, "I'm not well enough to care for you properly. You'd be sent away to an orphanage. I just thought that we should remain together..through everything..for as long as we can. I'm sorry it all ended up like this, I truly am." Jeonghan could tell she was remembering his sister's birth or should he say death, the one which almost took her as well. Ever since then his mother's health has dwindled with each passing day both physically and mentally. Jieun died exactly 6 minutes and 28 seconds after birth. Jeonghan remembers waiting in the hospital lobby with his aunt, his mother's sister, awaiting his baby sister's happy arrival into the world only to be told by a nurse, "I'm sorry but she didn't make it." He remembers Jisoo, on the other side of his aunt, turning to him with wide watery eyes as the nurse took Jeonghan back to a scene he'll never forget; his mother wrapping an unstable arm around him, pressing her tear stained face into his hair as the other held a small pink bundle against her shoulder, his father crumbled, broken down in a chair near the large window. Jieun's funeral 4 years ago was the last time they'd seen any of their family, the beginning of his mother's depression and the kickoff moment when his father took on wasting himself away every night. And of course as life had to make it, everything has only gotten worse now it seems.

"Pl-...please just unlock the door...M-mom," Jeonghan struggled to form the right words into that one simple sentence, mind racing and his hands gripping the sides of the seat violently.

Click.

That sound brought him back to reality and the second his hand left that knob, he ran; his legs taking over any intention he had. Nearly tripping over his baggy jeans in the process, Jeonghan found himself at the front entrance of the store and crouched behind the pre-packaged piles of bagged plant soil and just sobbed. All the tears he'd kept in, for the past weeks, now finding themselves on the cold concrete of an unknown place.

The evening after rain glow had subsided from the sidewalks, the night now pitch dark with only the faint chatter from inside the store and various traffic noises sounding in the distance when his mother found him. He let her take his hand as she appeared by his side, a small basket at hand and the two passed through the remainder of the trip with no more exchange of words but the one's left unspoken on their lips and etched into their hearts.


	3. Cheol

Monday came around the corner faster than anything ever had in Jeonghan's life. He thanked the heavens above that his father had left early for his office job, the last thing he needed today was any form of confrontation from him.

The boy now stood small and insignificant outside the front gate of the expansious two-story building which he would call his school for the next four years. 

For the most part, classes were fun for Jeonghan. After introducing himself and being deemed "the new kid" by several hushes whispers, a majority of the time he spent reading in the corner of the classroom after his teacher deemed him knowledgely "ahead of everyone else" at this point in their studies as she struggled with the other students learning simple multiplication. All of his classmates seemed to hate him because of the so called "favoritism" she showed him but in reality it's just that Jeonghan was indeed smarter than them, taught himself alone in his cramped bedroom when no one else would. He didn't really mind the isolation and the cold glares the other kids gave him. Besides, 'how's a little more hate gonna effect me', he thought. He could care less what these strangers thought about him.

He was having a good day, getting into the hang of things in the new environment, until he realized that he forgot to grab the small paper bagged lunch his mother had packed for him on the kitchen counter. Jeonghan groaned, a gurgle escaping his small stomach as he sat alone at a deserted lunch table. He was aware of many pairs of eyes on him as he sat there awkwardly, twirling the toes of his worn out sneakers together. 

Until soft, cautious footsteps on the vinyl tiled cafeteria floors behind him caught his ear.  
"Don't look," a voice said behind Jeonghan, playfully clasping a hand across his eyes as something plopped down on the lunch table in front of him. "Voilà!" the voice said across from Jeonghan now, happily with a swish of his hand uncovering his eyes. Jeonghan stared down at the brownie with speckled rainbow sprinkles scattered across it and then up at the boy who grinned so largely Jeonghan swore that he thought his mouth was going to fall off his face. "I'm Seungcheol!!! (his slight childish lisp made it sound something like "Song-chore") but you can call me just Cheol!!," (the "L" was more pronounced that time) he announced rather loudly with a toss of his messy raven hair, considering Jeonghan was sitting right in front of him. Jeonghan might have jumped a bit from surprise, a reaction he'd grown accustomed to with his lifestyle, but he just looked at the strange boy, expressionless. 'And? Why are you talking to me? I'm no one," Jeonghan thought. 

The boy cleared his throat with purpose. "You okay? What's your name?," Cheol asked while pushing the brownie closer to Jeonghan, his face beaming "That's for you by the way, I saw that you didn't have any lunch and that's not right," a serious expression creeping onto his chubby-cheeked face. Is this kindness? Jeonghan found himself mentally asking himself. It's a surreal feeling he'd never really felt but it felt nice. Really nice. So nice that he doesn't know how to react, honestly. But Jeonghan clears his throat and answers the boy's question, politely and plainly "I-...I'm Yoon Jeonghan," and that seemed to be enough for the stranger named Seungcheol judging by the slightly creepy and psychotic but genuinely happy grin that broke out across his dimpled cheeks.

Cheol was the happiest person Jeonghan had ever met and he was convinced that if you combined all the happiness from all the people he'd met previously, that amount wouldn't even be half of the joy that emitted from this one kid. Not that Jeonghan was one to judge since he didn't really know many people but still, the mental calculation still left Jeonghan in admiration of the free-spirited boy. He didn't have to admire from afar though  because although they were in separate classrooms, Cheol took on sitting with him at lunch and playing with him at recess every single day. A lot of times he would bring a friend or two whom he would introduce to Jeonghan. 

The one's accompanying him most often being a small pink haired boy named Jihoon (Although in the same grade as they, Jeonghan mistook him as a kindergartner at their first meeting and ever since, Jihoon has never stopped shooting him the death glare at every given opportunity), a sweet but slightly split personalitied (this was claimed due to the fact that at times he was shy and wouldn't speak unless spoken to but other times it was difficult to get him to shut up) first grader named Hansol who moved to Korea 2 years ago from the US but was already fluent in the language, a tall stocky kid named Mingyu who seemed to always have a cold but he assured them that it was "year round allergies" and lastly a girl named Nayoung sometimes decided to join them, "the only girl I'll talk to" Cheol claimed, they'd grown up together since they were babies in diapers and now treated each other somewhat as siblings. Jeonghan got along with the group quite well although in the following weeks he still couldn't find it in himself to really open up to any of them besides their usual silly games of soccer or tag or whatnot. But Seungcheol was determined to crack the long haired boy's shell.

One day the two of them sat in the grass hidden behind the propane tanks in the back field during recess not particularly wanting to join the game of "red light green light."

"Let's play a different game! I ask questions, give my answer and then you answer the same questions!," the older blurted out of the blue, pulling out green blades of grass in handfuls and throwing it in the air like confetti.

"What-"

"I'll start. I'm Choi Seungcheol. What's your name?"

"But you already know my name.."

"C'mon just play along, party pooper!"

"Fine.. I'm Yoon Jeonghan"

"My favorite colors are red and white. What's yours?"

"Uh, probably blue?"

"My favorite food is everything except spicy food, yours?"

Jeonghan giggled at the plainness of Cheol's statement, "Well, I really like stews and chicken."

By the end of their lil question game, Cheol knew a lot more about his new friend ranging from his favorite color to what brand of toothpaste he uses. The boy felt like he gleaned some of the most valuable knowledge in the world as he climbed into the backseat of his mother's van after school.

"I made a new friend, mom!" Cheol exclaimed flashing his mother a gummy smile. She returned his smile through the rearview mirror, "You're always making new friends, Cheol..my little ray of sunshine." Cheol started drawing an array of smiley faces in the fogged window, "Yeah..But this is different. He always looks so sad..," he drew one frowning face amidst the army of happy ones, "like even when he's happy, he still seems kinda sad. But it's okay because I'm gonna make him my best friend ever soon!" He quickly smudged away the sad face with his sleeve and leaned his head against the cold window.

The rest of the ride home and the remainder of his afternoon and night, the determined boy spent all his time and thoughts brainstorming on how to make Jeonghan happy.


	4. Happiness Does Exist

[Unproof read, will be editing/adding to in the course of this week]

 

Jeonghan had been in school for about 3 weeks now as he made his usual walk home, the air unusually warmer than usual today as he tore off his uniform blazer and stuffed it in his bag.

"JEONGHAN!! WAIT UP!!"  a familiar voice called after him. Recognizing it of course as Cheol's, Jeonghan stopped dead in his tracks twisting around to meet the boy who had caught up with him. "Cheol. Hi," Jeonghan started with a small smile, letting the latter catch his breathe as he hunched forward dramatically clutching at his knees. Seungcheol wiped his sweaty bangs from his forehead and adjusted his backpack before standing up straight, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU'RE COMING OVER TO MY HOUSE TODAY!" Forgetting that today was indeed the 4th of October and as did his parents it seems, Jeonghan merely stared at the boy in disbelief, "Thank you..but I'm sorry..I can't..My parents need me home.." He looked down at his shoes, hair falling like a shield over his saddened expression, hoping the other wouldn't question anymore and he could be on his way back to the hell he couldn't escape. Cheol's expectant grin never wavered though, "Well surprise you're wrong! I called your house yesterday before you got home and your mom said you can come over so let's go we're wasting time!!" Before Jeonghan could register how Cheol knew both his birthday and his home number and what was happening, Cheol grabbed his hand and took off running in the opposite direction towards his own house dragging the smaller boy behind him.

Halfway there, they slowed down to a steady walk instead, the humid air entirely tiring the two young boys out. "Sorry, my mom couldn't pick us up..My little sister had a doctor's appointment and my dad works so yeah," Seungcheol said swinging his arms at his side, stepping over each crack in the sidewalk claiming that "the cracks are bad luck." "Nothing like some good ol' exercise right?," he added taking exaggerated steps higher edge of the sidewalk, showcasing his stout legs. Jeonghan stifled a laugh. Seungcheol pouted, "Hey shut up. I still have some baby fat to work off, just wait these bad boys will be rock hard someday." Jeonghan took note that day that as of the moment he was indeed at least an inch or two taller than Cheol and that made him feel a strange sort of accomplishment.

They were approaching a newly furnished neighborhood now, Seungcheol's, Jeonghan guessed. The houses in this part of town were all quite large, each one sporting a brightly shaded paint job, the lawns laying across the front yards of each building perfectly imitating all those perfect lush green lawns Jeonghan only ever saw on the ads on TV. In all honestly he just wanted to lie down in it and feel the fresh blades tickle his back as he dozed off to sleep but knew that wasn't appropriate and would probably cause the other to raise a questioning eyebrow at the random action. 

"We're almost there!" the older boy announced, now skipping like a little schoolgirl on the first day of summer vacation. "Which one is your house?," Jeonghan asked as they came to a cul-de-sac. Seungcheol pointed sheepishly to the house on the far right, his face turning the same color of the said object that he motioned at. Cheol's house was a brilliant pastel pink, a matching shed off in the corner near the pristine white fence separating it from their neighbors. "It's so ugly! But my parent's keep it because Chaeyoung-Chae for short, says she'll run away if we re-paint it," the blushing boy confessed before laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. 

As if on cue a little girl who couldn't be more than 3 years old ran out the red minivan parked in the driveway, a horrid artificially colored blue popsicle hanging from her stained mouth and caught Cheol in a hug around his leg. "The bad doctor man poked me with this nettle thingy and he said it wouldn't hurt..but he lied!" she cried into his navy panted knee, smearing the popsicle remnants from her mouth onto the fabric. "Aw, Chae..It's okay it'll feel better in a bit!" he said lifting her up and pretending to bite at the popsicle in her hand, an action which made her burst out in shrill laughs as she tried to scramble out of his arms. Jeonghan stood there awkwardly silent, watching the siblings in awe, for a second his mind flashed back to that pink bundle which always knocked at his thoughts but was brought back to reality with a tug on the end of his hair. 

"HIS HAIR IS PRETTIER THAN MY DOLLY'S," Chae exclaimed taking several parts of it into her chubby hand, the one not occupied by the dripping popsicle thankfully. Cheol jerked her away from his friend quickly but carefully, "Chae!! Don't do that!..Besides everyone's hair looks better than your dolls'." The little girl huffed at her brother's rude comment and succeeded in escaping his grasp this time, running back into the house where their mother had disappeared with her arms full of grocery bags, probably to tattle on her brother. Cheol waited until she was out of earshot before whispering to his friend, "One time she tried using our mom's hair straightener on one of her doll's and all it's hair fell out!," the boy cackled in amusement, even Jeonghan couldn't stop himself from joining in the laughter as they made their way into the pink house.

After meeting Cheol's parents and dinner, a delicious homemade kimchi stew and fried chicken with cola on the side, Cheol rushed out to their backyard, Jeonghan trailing close behind, his belly full and happy. Cheol stood proudly in front of the shed, "In there! Your present awaits!," he held out his hands animatedly. Jeonghan peered into the dark room and back at Cheol, a shiver shaking him, "But..I can't see in there?" Cheol rolled his eyes impatiently, "Fine, scaredy cat, I'll go get it myself," and with that he disappeared into the shed, Jeonghan cringed at the sudden loud thump from inside "Ouch!..Stupid shovel..Okay okay, close your eyes and don't look until I tell you." Jeonghan obeyed and shut his eyes until he felt his friend by his side again, "Okay now!" 

Jeonghan blinked as the setting sun caught his eye and stared down at the shiny sky blue bicycle standing in front of him, a big crimson bow decorating it's handle bars for presentation. It was the most beautiful bike he'd ever seen, he never dreamed to own something so valuable. "Wow...," he breathed, swiping his hand across the smooth polished finish and resting it on the soft cushioned seat. "Do you like it? I figured you'd outgrown your old one so now you can ride this one to school and get there twice as quick!" Jeonghan nodded slowly, "Oh..It's perfect..I can't believe you got this for me..Thank you so much, Cheol." Cheol grinned that same smile from their first meeting before grabbing a helmet from the shed and setting it on his friend's head with a plop, "No need to thank me! Try it out!" He crossed his arms expectedly. Jeonghan adjusted the crookedly set helmet, uncovering his eye before sighing "I-..I can't..I've never ridden a bike before." Cheol's eyes went wide for a second before he shrugged his shoulders, "Then I can teach you! C'mon!" Jeonghan gulped as Cheol rolled the bike over to the sidewalk.

After maybe 10 minutes of nearly toppling over on Cheol, Jeonghan finally started to get a hang of it. He pedaled down the dimly lit sidewalk, the streetlight utterly failing at it's one job "I'm doing it, Cheol!!! I'm doing-" 

CRASH.

Jeonghan shook his head, the dazed colors of the evening sky coming back into focus and peered up at the mailbox standing above him. "Jeonghan!! Are you okay??!?" faster than lightning, Cheol was at his side, inspecting his friend with worried eyes. "Yeah. It's just my elbow is a little cut..But that was so fun!," his voice was louder and happier than it'd ever been since meeting Cheol. Cheol's frown broke into a another grin as he helped his friend up, brushing the dust off his pants.

Mrs. Choi drove Jeonghan home (Cheol tagging along as well of course), the guest taking the passenger's seat so he could point out the way to his home. Cheol quickly dozed off, his head resting on the back of Jeonghan's seat, his soft snores sounding in little huffs close to Jeonghan's ear. Jeonghan didn't want the day to end, it was all such a refreshing change for him but at the same time a certain thought lingered in the back of his mind that he couldn't seem to shake off the entire day.

"This it, dear?" Mrs. Choi asked as she slowly parked in the driveway of the pitch black property, Jeonghan nodded, Cheol's mother's eyebrows creased in worry as she glanced at her watch, "I hope someone is still awake to let you in..It's only 8pm." Jeonghan unbuckled, pulling his backpack onto his back and grabbed his bike from the trunk, rolling it halfway up his short driveway, "Yes. Everything is fine. Thank you for having me over, Mrs. Choi, dinner was amazing." She smiled sweetly at the boy, "Of course, you're always welcome at our house, okay sweetie?," before rolling her window up and starting to back out slowly. Jeonghan stood motionless in front of the front door with his hand wrapped around the knob, the loud yelling within permeating through the old wood. Tears rimmed at his eyes, which only minutes before were sparkling with joy. 

"Jeonghan?" The said boy hastily wiped his eyes across his sweater and turned to meet a sleepy eyed Cheol who wrapped him in a huge bear hug, "Happy 10th birthday, Jeonghan. I'll cya on Monday." Jeonghan's face was uncomfortably squished against the older boy's shoulder yet at the same time it was the best feeling in the world, warmth surrounding his entire being, "Thank you for today, Cheol, really. It was the best day ever," he muttered out of the side of his mouth. With an upturn of the sides of his mouth once more, Cheol released him and with a wave disappeared back into his mom's van. 

Finding the door already unlocked, Jeonghan crept past the living room where his parents were stationed with their yelling match and made his way to his room. He didn't even bother to strip himself of the clothes Cheol had lent him but just plopped back first on his creaky bed, staring up at the glow in the dark stars scattered across his ceiling that his father helped him place when he was nothing but a small toddler clinging onto the grand childish prospect of having a real life galaxy on your ceiling. How I wish I could be like you. You, who continue to shine and give off brilliance despite the darkness that surrounds and attempts to engulf you. 

Thoughts of the smiling boy who made a friend out of him with just a genuine smile and a simple act of kindness popped into his head.

I don't want my darkness to put you out. He repeated these words silently with moving lips to the air. Why do you waste your time with me when there's so many others who can fuel your light rather than slowly deteriorate it. I don't understand. You can't know my life. If you did you'd probably run away and leave me behind because it's all so screwed up and-

Jeonghan forced himself to breathe, squeezing his eyes shut and block out the world.

Cheol.

I don't know.

The small boy pulled his blanket over his wet eyes, further trying to shield himself from everything and anything but knowing it couldn't protect him from the worst, himself, and the unhealthily negative thoughts which ran rampant and incoherent plunging him deeper into the pit of pessimism he'd dug for himself.

I'm so scared.

I don't want my darkness to put you out.

 

But what he didn't know was that even as half asleep as he was, Cheol had seen and heard everything; from the exchange of angry screams between Jeonghan's parents to the tears being quickly blotted into the maroon sweater that he'd let Jeonghan borrow at his house. He kept it to himself though, deciding that his friend would trust him enough some day to let him in and maybe finally find refuge and faith in another soul; maybe not even in the next year, maybe not even until five years from now but Cheol was convinced that it really didn't matter how long it took. He'd be sticking by Jeonghan's side the whole time regardless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates are slow i know, i'm still trying to figure out the direction i want this fic to go etc it's a work in process sorry lol

**Author's Note:**

> comments are always appreciated! thank you for the support and love!!


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